if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
