Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will pee on everything he values.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
