My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
