just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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