He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
