and you said cock pushups were impossible
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
