Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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