if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
