So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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