how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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