do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
