Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
