Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
