Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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