Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
