Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize