is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
