She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
