I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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