I met the friendliest cop last night
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
