My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize