I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
