I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
