She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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