good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
