I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
