I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
