Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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