Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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