So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
