I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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