We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
