I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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