Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
