Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
