tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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