She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am spending my child support on dildos
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
