Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
