Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
