some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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