Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
