Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
