we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
my mouth tastes like poor choices
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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