I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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