Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
