dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
