were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
