John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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