I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
