you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
