Where did you get a picture of my penis
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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