everyone is single if you try hard enough
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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