I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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